Have you dreamed about driving to work in a tin can? Do you want a car that blends into the crushing mediocrity of everyday life? Do you enjoy confusing people with a vehicle they've never heard of? Then this is the car for you.
This $hit is as basic as it gets, let me tell you. It starts and drives. The steering wheel turns the tires. It doesn't shake even though you're getting passed on the highway cause it has about 2 horsepower and weighs as much as a watermelon. This starts in any weather and it blows hot-ass air to keep you toasty in the winter. It even has winter tires and 4WD for when it snows a millimeter and people start driving like it's the end of the world. There's no AC cause apparently that wasn't a concern in the 90's so just accept that you'll be sweating your ass off June through August. It costs $35 for a full tank of gas and that'll get you from A to B for like 2 weeks; this baby sips gas like a middle-aged Karen sips her mimosa at brunch.
Let's talk about the specs on this beauty:
- CD player? Nope
- Cup holders? Nah
- Doors and headlights? Hell ya
Is your gym membership too expensive? Well everyday is arm day in this Subaru because you gotta crank those windows like you're mfin soulja boy and you better believe this bitch doesn't have power-steering. Before I owned this car I couldn't even open a pickle jar; now I'm cracking walnuts with my bare hands.
- There's some dog hair on the seats because I have a dog and also I don't give enough of a $hit to vacuum it.
Now let's get real. This sucker is 26 years old. Yeah, 1993 was a long-ass time ago. It leaks oil so top this sucker off every month or so and you're good to go. Don't act shocked at the fact that some $hit's gonna need repairing, you're getting $1000 worth of car. This car came out the same year as beanie babies did and it outlived them so obviously there's gonna be a couple things wrong with it. It's a thousand bucks. That's like 4.5 pairs of AirPods you boujee mfer. You could install a GPS, drive this thing into Lake Scranton, get it towed out, and drive it home. You may as well name it Rick Astley.
Take it as is, drive this baby into the sunset.
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